Learning to Swim

The second week of April, I hit a massive roadblock.

Figurative not physical.

One’s morning commute to work was violently transformed into a two-hour ordeal on a slightly rainy Monday morning. And somewhere during those excruciating two hours, I snapped.

I have typically always lived a distance away from my place of work. A drive to work and back in Delhi’s tedious traffic has always been a given part of my work life. For the last couple of yours, my husband and I have lived in Gurgaon and sadly, most of my places of work have been in Delhi. Meaning an unpleasant drive on most day!

Though, the drive that Monday was not alike quite a few nasty ones I have sat through, something in my head and heart gave way that day. It was like the distance between Adhchini and Defence Colony was that of the Pacific Ocean and I had but a canoe to cross it. In spite of my peppy playlist that played in the car, tears just started rolling and my head felt like it is sinking. I couldn’t see the end of the tunnel. Just couldn’t.

And that was when it hit me. All this talk about keeping yourself mentally healthy and reaching out for attention to mental health is real. I experienced an inexplicable meltdown and am one of the very fortunate ones to have pulled through without needing medicines or lasting counselling. But this episode underlined how badly we all have left happiness and simplicity behind in the pursuit of success.

My first thought that day was to quit my job and begin looking for a job closer home. But my over-analysing brain kept telling me there was no way I’d find a job so soon after starting the present one 5 months ago. Perhaps I’d have to settle for a pay cut? Perhaps I’d need to dip into the well protected savings (the one tucked away for life’s REAL emergencies)? Or I’d be in that “between jobs” period for a long while before some kind recruiter looks at one’s CV?

The scary thing that day and for the rest of that week was the self-created roadblocks we’ve created for our own happiness and mental health. Those that take you only towards socially accepted milestones but keep you from taking off when you’re literally melting down at things like traffic jams. That scared me. It still does. Back home, my parents and the husband were full of all kinds of solutions to the ostensible problem of a long drive- hire a chauffeur, use Uber every day, take the metro to work and back. These are solutions that are welcome, but none of these tugged at the absurd vortex of fear, anxiety and sadness that was within me.   

A week later, I’m feeling better. Working as per usual and driving to work too! The pangs of fear and anxiety don’t visit as frequently or for as long, but the memory of that episode haunts me. I didn’t sink, learnt to swim through this pool last week….