Learning to Swim

The second week of April, I hit a massive roadblock.

Figurative not physical.

One’s morning commute to work was violently transformed into a two-hour ordeal on a slightly rainy Monday morning. And somewhere during those excruciating two hours, I snapped.

I have typically always lived a distance away from my place of work. A drive to work and back in Delhi’s tedious traffic has always been a given part of my work life. For the last couple of yours, my husband and I have lived in Gurgaon and sadly, most of my places of work have been in Delhi. Meaning an unpleasant drive on most day!

Though, the drive that Monday was not alike quite a few nasty ones I have sat through, something in my head and heart gave way that day. It was like the distance between Adhchini and Defence Colony was that of the Pacific Ocean and I had but a canoe to cross it. In spite of my peppy playlist that played in the car, tears just started rolling and my head felt like it is sinking. I couldn’t see the end of the tunnel. Just couldn’t.

And that was when it hit me. All this talk about keeping yourself mentally healthy and reaching out for attention to mental health is real. I experienced an inexplicable meltdown and am one of the very fortunate ones to have pulled through without needing medicines or lasting counselling. But this episode underlined how badly we all have left happiness and simplicity behind in the pursuit of success.

My first thought that day was to quit my job and begin looking for a job closer home. But my over-analysing brain kept telling me there was no way I’d find a job so soon after starting the present one 5 months ago. Perhaps I’d have to settle for a pay cut? Perhaps I’d need to dip into the well protected savings (the one tucked away for life’s REAL emergencies)? Or I’d be in that “between jobs” period for a long while before some kind recruiter looks at one’s CV?

The scary thing that day and for the rest of that week was the self-created roadblocks we’ve created for our own happiness and mental health. Those that take you only towards socially accepted milestones but keep you from taking off when you’re literally melting down at things like traffic jams. That scared me. It still does. Back home, my parents and the husband were full of all kinds of solutions to the ostensible problem of a long drive- hire a chauffeur, use Uber every day, take the metro to work and back. These are solutions that are welcome, but none of these tugged at the absurd vortex of fear, anxiety and sadness that was within me.   

A week later, I’m feeling better. Working as per usual and driving to work too! The pangs of fear and anxiety don’t visit as frequently or for as long, but the memory of that episode haunts me. I didn’t sink, learnt to swim through this pool last week….

Planning Families and family planning: challenging inequities and addressing empowerment

I began penning this on the 10^th of October- a day before the world celebrates the International Day of the Girl and a couple of days after most of North India celebrated a festival called ‘Karwa Chauth’. Since 2012, October 11^th has been marked as the International Day of the Girl to highlight issues concerning the gender inequality facing young girls. This day also marks a global movement to recognize the combined efforts required to ensure each girl reaches the goal she sets out to achieve- at school, in society and later in pursuit of a dignified livelihood.

In India, girls need to scale several onerous challenges- that of being able to complete school, avoid being married as children, face inequities in their upbringing, gender violence at home and outside. As someone who has been dabbling in the advocacy and communications space for health and family planning for close to two and a half years now, I am not unfamiliar with the myriad ways in which gender is a foundation for equities and discrimination. Gender inequalities significantly affect women’s access to health and reproductive health services and assertion of their rights. A case in point is NFHS III data that reveals 22% men feel that contraception is women’s business. Studies reveal that contraception decision making often lies with men and male reproductive control of female partners, particularly in the context of intimate partner violence (IPV), can impede contraceptive use and increase risk for contraceptive failure.

Delaying age at first pregnancy, spacing and limiting the number of children helps in empowering women. It allows them to complete their education, enter the labour force, increasing household incomes and assets. It also enhances the capacity of governments to improve human resources and reduce poverty by increasing worker efficiency and household savings rates. The International Conference on Population and Development (ICPD), 1994 underlined the significance of sexual and reproductive rights where more than 179 countries endorsed this and more than 20 years later the unmet need for family planning remains high in developing countries. UNFPA studies conducted in more than 40 developing countries show that the birth rate falls as women gain equality.

I began reading UNFPA’s state of the World Population report, 2017 titled “Worlds Apart: Reproductive health and rights in an age of inequality” earlier this week. It mentions that developing nations with large or emerging youth populations that have been able to reduce gaps in sexual and reproductive health care and promote gender equality also have the potential to reap and maximize a demographic dividend.  In fact, back home, data from the recently released NFHS IV validates that states that have significantly increased their female health workforces in the last 10 years as part of the National Health Mission, have not only witnessed a higher uptake of modern contraceptive methods, but also in reducing child marriages and adolescent pregnancies significantly. 

Like in other developmental arena, the tenets of Rights Based Family Planning assume the AAAQ framework- availability, accessibility, acceptability and quality. Each of these is a universe on its own, and there are gender barriers on each for women to overcome.

In the last few years, the Ministry of Health and Family Welfare has taken concrete steps to improve quality of care of family planning services and methods, especially in the post-Bilaspur (Chattisgarh) scenario and in expanding the basket of contraceptive choices by adding three new modern methods of contraception to the family planning programme. In fact, the recently launched Mission Parivar Vikas initiative takes a micro-planning model to identified high fertility districts- 145 districts in 7 states. However, access to sexual and reproductive health rights is an area that needs inter-sectoral convergence and synergies that cut across government, civil society and private sector involvements. We all need to own up- empowering women, and tangibly addressing inequities needs to go beyond commemoration of specific days and events. You and I need to take responsibility, not shift it…

Population As People

As India marches into the 21st century, the health and wellness of our women is of paramount importance. In this regard, both science and sociology have established that improvements in public health and education have positively affected the nutrition and health of her children and family. Over the last 70 years, we have made visible strides in improving the health indicators for India, however, the time has come for us to join hands and resolve to improve the lives of women through tangible empowerment tools.

One such established tool to empower women and improve their health is to work towards stabilising population. If we take a broad view of the population growth in India over the last three decades, it could be understood by breaking it down into three Ts – T1, T2 and T3:

T1 refers to Too Close: inadequate space between child births puts the health of a woman and her children at grave risks. For every woman who dies of pregnancy related causes, 20 women experience severe illness and morbidity

T2 refers to Too Many (children): unwanted child births take a toll on the health, productivity and life span of women. It is significant to note that the third round of the National Family Health Survey (NFHS III) every woman in India desires around 1.9 children (Desired Fertility Rate). She however, continues to bear 2.3 children (Total Fertility Rate)

T3 refers to Too Early: age at marriage and first pregnancy directly affects population size and women’s health. Twenty-seven per cent (NFHS IV) girls in India continue to be married before they reach 18 years, thus affecting their education and pursuit of optimal livelihood.

The vibrant diversity of our country makes it a unique democracy. We remain committed to view and treat our people as unique citizens with vast untapped potential, not as “numbers” or “subjects” to be controlled.

If we are to remain loyal to the commitments of the fathers of the nation to improve the quality and access to health for all, we need to integrate the government’s effort with support from the private sector and civil society organisations. Women, irrespective of their geographical location and socio-economic situation need to have access to quality health services, and equitable opportunity for education and employment. 70 years is a long time for her to have waited, but she is still hopeful. She is waiting for us to work her out of darkness. 

Diabolical Diwalis!

To be honest, this Diwali has been more diabolical than I care to admit!

Delhiites, yours truly included, are breathing in air so toxic, it is apparently tantamount to smoking 40 cigarettes. No evidenced data on this here though, but it does make one wonder on the pointlessness of quitting the habit a few years ago.

But, to come back to the principal track- Diwali! 

Every year, the husband I and take one of our bi-annual trips to Varanasi, or Kashi or Benares for the festival of lights. Most years, we drive to the city, an annual ritual of letting the four wheels and our selves fly out a little bit. The drive is something we always start off as being extremely excited about. The first 500 of the 850 kilometer drive from Delhi to Varanasi always begins with a lot of enthusiasm and anticipation. We're efficiently packed and armed with required eats to sail us through the drive without too many pit stops. 
The first two loo breaks are a breeze- usually at petrol stations close to Agra. The trouble usually starts after these. For a one man and one woman team, finding usable toilets poses quite a challenge on this route. Innumerable friends recommend the "going in the fields" technique. We don't really cross these many stretches of dense fields, and the ones that we do, are  sparse, next to the road and not at all accommodating of bio-break needs.

But this blog post is not about a road trip. It is about a Diwali.

Every year, Diwali has a few predictable repetitions. There's food. Lots of it. There's concurrently a lot of cooking. And there are family members. Lots of them too. And there is patriarchy.

I come from a long line of independent, liberal and feminist Bengali women (and men). Have no qualms about accepting that I am a feminist. But twice a year, I suspend all my learning from theoretical and practical study of the women's movement in India and the world, and try to fill in the shoes of a stereotypical "Bahu" in Uttar Pradesh. This suspension, is in no way indicative of the loss of all agency or understanding of patriarchy and its social manifestations. It is simply a trade-off in search of peaceful domestic situation, five days a year. As a "Bahu", I have (and continue to) break many patriarchal barriers. I have, for instance, made the "ghoonghat" absolutely redundant in my family in Benares. The sindoor, mangal sutra, surname and many other outward manifestations of patriarchal norms have been fought- and soldier reports victory in all sectors!

The patriarchy that I now fight (and sometimes am defeated by) is in the mindset. There is celebration of the promotion of a few daughters in law that work, but an implicit knowledge that the worldly victories of the sons reigns supreme. There is pride in announcing when daughters in laws buy or upgrade their wheels, alongside an unsaid norm that the same women will not travel "un-chaperoned" in the city. The family discusses with gusto, the recent relocation of a cousin's family to North America or the Middle East, but cannot have the sons carry their empty dinner plates to the sink.

This Diwali, a new ammunition in patriarchy's arsenal defeated me. When one attempted to coach the young nephews to being useful around the house and being sensitive to small things like picking their used glasses, plates and the like to the kitchen or to address the helping lady with some respect, I was explained why until I bear a few children of my own, I will not understand why all of these learning is moot. 
As a student of feminist theory and literature, one is well aware of the passive power a woman yeilds in traditional structures by her ability to bear children. This, however, was the first time that my dis-inclination this far on the matter was held against me.  The absurdity of the argument was as amusing as it is offending- having children is likely to make me less inclined to raise sensitive human beings? Or is the whole pressure of parenting so overwhelming that one chooses to let 'minor' things like gender and humanitarian equity go?

Over the last eight years, there have been countless such face-offs between patriarchal traditions and me both in my in-laws' home and outside. There have been many that I have won, and many more that have beaten me. This conflict is bound to continue, I am certain of it.  I am looking forward to more family fun and to equally diabolical Diwalis ahead!

Cheers!

The Pressures of a Sabbatical!

This is really my second sabbatical in 7 years. But I am not sure I do this right.
My sabbaticals usually begin after I finish my projects with the employer and end with unbearable anxiety about my diminishing bank balances!
This time though, I think, or at least I like to believe that I am better prepared to take this sabbatical monster head on.
See, I've been saving, I've been training myself to shop less, to eat healthier and to be more self assured (than these recruitment consultants think you are). But perhaps on those HR creatures another blog post is warranted.
And so, the only thing that stands between my leisurely and in-search-of-self-actualisation sabbatical are a bunch of extremely focused, hard working and over achieving loved ones. And my parents live right across the street.

This is how my fist day of unemployment was spent- reading (mostly fiction that my last project severely deprived me of) and some chores (purely survival based). But as evening drew closer, I had to leaf through the websites of various illustrious universities and journals to answer dear madre's question "what have you been doing with the day today"? And so when that question was asked I had to quickly make a two minute PPT to mother about how she didn't educate her only child to spend a day in her boxers reading paperbacks and watching Craig Ferguson on YouTube.
Meanwhile, the partner, being a fitness freak, checks my progress on the athletic lines. Another set of concocted details were prepared, based purely on my virtual athleticism, on the most suitable Gyms in the locality. How would he care that my body of 30 years would probably go on strike if I were to launch it into hectic unnecessary trauma?  Besides, how do you fit in the gym in between book, meals, snooze and vapid FaceBooking?

And so, for the want of anything else to do, I begin my first proper blog. These are the kinds of activities my body and brain seem to like. Mild, leisurely, can be pursued whilst sipping a juice or scoffing a sandwich. Perhaps also to show this over achieving trio of my mum, dad and partner that I did do something I can show! Though, why some would want to read this is completely beyond me. But knowing the active souls I live with, they might just. (Bugger. I will actually have to find illustrious journals and universities and gyms in the event).

Day two was even worse- why didn't you go visit the dentist yet? Did you at least get an appointment? When are you going to get an ultrasound? (OBGYN issues to top)
How do you tell these people that it is rude to remind a 30 year old that her teeth are in the same shape as her ovaries-dodgy. I don't keep telling my partner that his hair's greying as he sleeps, or my mum that her "private emails" to her friends always have random people in cc?! Give a girl some days to be slothful you folks.

My father of course, is quite another matter. He sees every moment at home ( by anyone), a moment wasted. He has already made offers to me to work for his business and thrown in some remuneration figures! And every evening so far, he's threatening to take me to the government nursery or the gadget and such stores to buy whatever's stopped working at home. I mean, daddy, another couple of days without the plants won't kill my living room.

It is therefore not a surprise that by 6 pm every evening, I feel like I really should just go right back to  work and continue to hate it. Self actualisation never happened to those who had cavaties to tend to, and plants to buy and laundry to do and Craig Ferguson to watch.....